..>> dust <<..

today was the one year anniversary of my brother's death :/ and i didn't even remember.
my dad called the house this morning, after arriving in manila for a memorial service, and i was asleep, dreaming (and drooling no doubt lol) when my mom burst in saying he was on the phone. i was rather incohearant and only really remember him saying he misses me and he loves me, and had i heard anything from the patent office haha. after i had hung up my mom said it was sandy' deathiverssary.
and honestly... i don't know how i feel about it. i am just... kinda blasay? apathetic? maybe numb? kinda wierd and bummed as well.

my brother was a great deal older than me, and i didn't really get to know him until we moved back to the states... at which point it was a bit strained at first... as sandy, having done a few very shitteous things to my father, soon became his boy again :/ and i got a bit jealous as being the baby, i was always the favorite. my sister (half sister) says that it's a jewish thing. the men in the family are always held in higher regard than the girls. which i refused to accept. i just think sandy put up with more of my dad's bullshit etc than either of us did. but i don't really like my sister either, so meh HAHA
so yes, it's all a bit odd, sitting here, thinking that he is infact dead. i still, to this day, believe his filippino wife had a hand in his death. changed his medication around etc, as she is a nurising student and sandy had monies BIG monies. that whole marriage was a farce!!! so fake, and utterly utterly premiditated by my father, so he could live vicariously through my brother. everyone says, sandy only married the woman to shut my dad up, and if he hadn't married her, he would still be alive today.

i wonder if my father has pangs of guilt about it? or if he is as oblivious about that, than he is about everything else?!

my mom and i went out for dinner at the shinese place again hehe, and i got THE EXACT SAME FORTUNE as i did last time. weird hey?
i think my animals feel something is going on today, as bailey hasn't eaten and has been extremely clingy and sophie, my kitty, has been sleeping ontop of my dad's dresser all day... yowling ocassionally. animals are soooo intune to feelings. it's amazing.
ah so much better than bipeds :D well, most bipeds i should say... there are a few that make the grade ;)

for the giggle times