Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Monday, May 25, 2009
Sunday, May 24, 2009
i'm having a very hard time trying to find a word to describe how i feel right now... it's not really numb, though a cold edge is forming... it's not really apathy, as i care far too much. it's weird. deflated maybe? even defeated... i think i might have fucked something up and i don't really know how to rectify or mend it, but on the other hand i'm begining to think maybe it's not mine to mend. maybe none of my words can heal this particular hero's wounds... only his and his alone will write the story he chooses to belong to... but i do not wear this silence well. i'm starting to wear it very ill indeed, and i only have myself to blame. i alone chose to be the coy and cryptic gem on this particular, lustrous necklace.
this entire situation makes me feel that i am wide awake and dreaming at the same time.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Friday, May 22, 2009
i so wish i let jesse get me the 1951 pontiac hearse i've dreamt about for so long when he did his car club. ack! ACK I SAY
today i have an icky feeling tummy :( i dunno if it's from the mehicano i ate last night or what, but it aches and flips and is just... weird feeling.
also, i had horrid dreams last night! they were rape and hatred and all things bad.
the first one i vaguely remember walking outside by a building, when a large overbearing man grabbed my arms and forced me behind it. i was pinned and scared... i dream so lucidly i can remember his breath on my shoulders and the hairs on the back of my neck standing up. i always have this theory that, if you go along with something and pretend you want it, they'll lose interest or won't be so hard (from personal experience it's worked) anyway, i started to act like this whole charade turned me on, with just enough time to reach into my pocket for a pen, which i proceeding to jab into his chest. when that didn't work i moved it straight bang into the middle of his forehead. and kept on repeating this action until he fell on the floor. though still alive, i reached in and started pulling out his brain :/ this finaly killed him. i don't know if it was the whole rape thing, but i woke up extremey upset and just wanted to be held :(
i finally got to sleep again, but when i did i dreamt my friend's girlfriend was insanely jealous of me and was trying to kill me... my friend was there, but fucked up on pills and was just watching until i screamed at him that it's she's going to kill me (bby this point the girls brother had gotten involved and it was 2 to 1). he finally got up and picked them up by the throat, threw them and he continued to kill his girlfriend. pounding her in the head and then crushing her like an accordian until all that was left was a sack of skin and crushed bones.
i seriously don't know what's going on with me. i always have weird dreams, but never to this extent or degree of violence. they actually really bother me and i am incredibly hard to rattle. my best friend mandy thinks that these dreams are reflective of my helplessness in a certain situation... or percieved helplessness, and by admiting up to it and facing it, i will ease my nerves and apparently fucked up dreams haha. but by doing so, i know i'll have a great weight lifted off my shoulders, but i really don't think it's the right decision at this moment in time.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
and i really don't know why this is turning my stomach... maybe it's the thought that she could possibly be in to the whole 'mommy dearest' thing? someone call bettie davies...
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
anywhoooo... i'm exhausted. physicaly, mentaly, emotionaly... i'm just pooped. alot of my friends have been going thru stuff and i;ve used immence amounts of energy being there for them. i dont mind, not at all... but it's left me so drained and incapable of dealing with my own emotions and such.
it's taking a tole on me physicaly as well. i've had this freaking relentless coldsore (i've only evr had 2 before and i was 16 lol), my body aches and i'got a laundry list of injuries.
- heel spurs
- repetative stress injury on my right knee
- ankle rolling
i've been told that i can never again use risers during my step classes, as it will cause more damage to my knee. bleh, that kinda sucks but i'd rather have a working knee. and apparently the only thing for my feets is rest and loads of it. i don't see that happening for a long period of time, but tonight i've sat on my fat ass and watched 5 hours of the mr darcy in all his glory :D yes kids, pride and prejudice has made a comeback lol.
i really can't help but love it *swoon*
as well as my new necklace, my mom happened to get me a new pair of jeans :D
appologies for the blur factor, but you get the point i'm trying to make by this whole mirror experiment... and that is THEY A RE HUUUUUUUGE FLARES haha. also that i have muchos junko in the trunco :p
i've been after a pair of ginourmous slouchy type flares for ages, and voila. i think my mom kinda felt bad for me, bless her heart. my mom rules all the schools!
this would also be the reason i wear makeup HAHAHAH. gooooon. can you see the cute bird chillaxing over there? yes? *dance*
Monday, May 18, 2009
i know longer have to use my mothers bathroom, which in all honesty, was a right pain in the ass at night. being on of those nudey type sleepers i had to get dressed everytime i had to pee. proper cafuffle that was :/
i felt kinda bad that i hurried greg and angela out of my house :$, but i'll bake them goodies to make up for it :D
i don't know if you recall, but i was going to bake cookies for my next door neighbour lady?! well i didn't bake her cookies, but i did give her half of the ginourmus mom's day carrot cake, on my nice white cake platter... which i have yet to receive back. i have seen her a few times since then and i'm really at a loss as to which point in time it's proper to ask for it back? i think this matter could use some decorum, as i hope she didn't think i was giving her the platter as a present :/ i'll have coco go over and steal it back for me maybe hehe.
it's tragic i knowwww. i missed that part of my teenage years while living in england. so while all my friends here lament about shitty dresses and awkward dancing and gropeing, i'm left with years of angst and depression. joyous!
Saturday, May 16, 2009
my dad called the house this morning, after arriving in manila for a memorial service, and i was asleep, dreaming (and drooling no doubt lol) when my mom burst in saying he was on the phone. i was rather incohearant and only really remember him saying he misses me and he loves me, and had i heard anything from the patent office haha. after i had hung up my mom said it was sandy' deathiverssary.
and honestly... i don't know how i feel about it. i am just... kinda blasay? apathetic? maybe numb? kinda wierd and bummed as well.
my brother was a great deal older than me, and i didn't really get to know him until we moved back to the states... at which point it was a bit strained at first... as sandy, having done a few very shitteous things to my father, soon became his boy again :/ and i got a bit jealous as being the baby, i was always the favorite. my sister (half sister) says that it's a jewish thing. the men in the family are always held in higher regard than the girls. which i refused to accept. i just think sandy put up with more of my dad's bullshit etc than either of us did. but i don't really like my sister either, so meh HAHA
so yes, it's all a bit odd, sitting here, thinking that he is infact dead. i still, to this day, believe his filippino wife had a hand in his death. changed his medication around etc, as she is a nurising student and sandy had monies BIG monies. that whole marriage was a farce!!! so fake, and utterly utterly premiditated by my father, so he could live vicariously through my brother. everyone says, sandy only married the woman to shut my dad up, and if he hadn't married her, he would still be alive today.
i wonder if my father has pangs of guilt about it? or if he is as oblivious about that, than he is about everything else?!
my mom and i went out for dinner at the shinese place again hehe, and i got THE EXACT SAME FORTUNE as i did last time. weird hey?
i think my animals feel something is going on today, as bailey hasn't eaten and has been extremely clingy and sophie, my kitty, has been sleeping ontop of my dad's dresser all day... yowling ocassionally. animals are soooo intune to feelings. it's amazing.
ah so much better than bipeds :D well, most bipeds i should say... there are a few that make the grade ;)
for the giggle times
i'd like tot ake a second to point out that my 3 serious boyfriends all had 4 letter names, and all started with 'M'. weird huh? mark, mack, mike. LOL fuck the emmmmms. apart from mikee :)
the other night i took my mommy out for chinese food, it was very good. a new place to us and cheap as chips! i crumbled my fortune cookie and this is what my fortune read: "love is a warm fire to keep the soul warm" silly chinese with their double usage of the word 'warm' lol, but can i just say, lateyl i have been getting increasingly warmer... i like it :) and day by day i think the fire grows. meeeeeep
i dyed my roots FINALLY :D
i don't know what's going on with photobucket and their resizing things lately. stupid internety things haha. so now i have fresh black roots. phew. i hate the fact i have to really dye my hair every god damn week for it to be decent. not only is it a major amount of upkeep (otherwise my blonde roots growing in makes me look bald), it's getting super bad for my hair. having bleached it or dyed it almost every week since the age of 14, i am surprised it hasn't just all fallen out :/
it is getting thin though, which is most distressing. i am wondering if i should try some rogaine for women HAHAHA, see if that won't boost it out a bit :p short of going blonde, ickky, i dunno what to do. meh
maybe i should eat alot of black foods and hope it translates thru my hairs. yessss?
Friday, May 15, 2009
also... i think it needs to be said, this guy is more likely than, in need of some personal grooming in his nether regions. but if he likes his girl to drop it like it's hot on his chest, i don't really think he's that bothered. actually, if she is willing to do that, i don't think a hairy nutsack in her mouth would bother her either. just sayin'
upon recieving the gifts he proceeded to eat loads haha! anyway, when my skype broke and he wanted to talk, i suggest he put a couple quid on it so he could call my house... which he refused to do. honestly, i was a bit hurt about that as i spent $120 i didnt have on shit for him and put it on my credit card. ehhh, i'm a bit too nice sometimes :( damn advantage taking peoples.
besides, he smells so nyah HAHA. but the important thing is, i am excited on gathering lvoely second hand goodies for my ladies weeeeee. and amerocan foody goodness. we will make you fat, it's what we does best lol
Monday, May 11, 2009
hope you all have pleasant snuggley nighttimes MWAH xxx
i'm sitting here wondering if after all this time, mike still needs to think i give a shit... was this some kind of emotional warfare he was trying to pull thru a third party?
and truthfully, the only thing i am really bothered about are the things i left in our old apartment when i went. had i known i wouldn't be returning, i would have packed them up and shipped them out before i goton the plane that christmas eve. and i have no clue where he is now. i don't care, but it would be nice to have my things back.
- my 2 audrey kawasaki giclee prints
- my mark ryden 'blood' special edition book and signed numbered prints
- my jeff soto painting, and all my other lowbrow goodies
- books by brown, ryden, giger et al
- and most importantly, things of my grandmothers i took with me to make our house a home. kitchen tools, hand made quilts, frames.
i wish more than anything i could get them back :(
it wouldn't make me feel like less of a failure in relationships, but it would be comforting to know i still have those peices of my grandmother near by. watching me. guarding me. keeping me safe until i finally find someone to share them with, and who would apprciate them like i do.
and as for mike's new girlfriend, sucks to be her. he's going bald AND has no idea how to pronounce 'h'eure deuvres'. SO HA lol
why can't the ghosts of our past just stay buried?!
Sunday, May 10, 2009
i started planning about a week ago. originally i was gogint o make a lovely indian feast, as it's hard to get good indian food here, if any. at 7.30 this morning she tells me she has a hankering for a burger, so off i go to market. i ended up making her turkey burglars with blue cheese, balsamic/thyme roasted baby bella mushrooms and caramalized onions, homemeade coleslaw and chilli spiced sweet potatoe fries. carrot cake to boot (which i am waiting for sma to make as well since i mailed her the recipe :D )
it took allllllllll day, as i made everything, including the freakin breadcrumbs from scracth. it was delicious though and we made right piglettes out of ourselves haha. seeeee?!
mi madre on her second, yes second peice of carrot cake!!! looking well pleased too ha
other things of interest :
- my best friend called me today. we talked for an hour, and decided i should knit her a scarf for her up coming birthday.
- angela gave me her old computer desk WOOO and it's black. so it goes with my gothic boudoir thing i have going.
- i have conflicted feelings about a certain situation, that makes my tummy flip but is not logical in the least. :/ confusing
took this special for samsam :)
Saturday, May 9, 2009
last night, at a random pub in penzance she met a random boy.
she took the random boy home with her and fucked him.
this morning she asked the random boy to move in to her little cottage, in penzance, where she only works part.
ofcourse the random boy agreed.
emma is 28. the random boy is an unemplyed 24 year old, with blue eyes and a torkshire accent.
that's really all the random information she could give me about the random boy.
she didn't even remember his name at first, as i don't remember it now.
i can't even get my head around that.
at 29, todd thought it would be a good idea too hook up with a 16 year old :/ and although as we get older, that difference is not so consequential, we all know that at that age, it is not a good idea. forget the whole statutory rape deal, it's more the maturity level and what one has in common i'm thinking. whitney, or the wrr as we call her, was a bit mature for her age... but being a virgin when they got together, it was inevitable (and i had mentioned it to him) that she would ultimately leave him to play the feild of dicks! fast forward a year and a half later and where are we?
yes you geussed... she's gone and todd is destroyed. this happened in october and the man is still a total and utter wreck about the whole thing, and it really is just getting to the point where i can't put up with it any longer. not because i don't care, as i do, but he has no inclination to help himself. he got fired from his job and openly admits he doesn't want to work. he has mental health appointments and hits shrooms the night before and doesn't make it... and all he does it complain. the man is being a total pussy. a serious big fat whore of a cunt! and i am at a loss in what to do,
i can only sit there and watch someone struggle in the murkyness for so long, when everyone is trying to help the dude out.
this is todd by the way:
so i've been dealing with his decline. he WAS supposed to come visit me a couple months back. stay with his folks on the other coast for a week, then he and i were going to hit it up jewstar style, but the douche bailed out and we only hung out for a day. coulda killed him :/ grrrrr to him i say! and really i am mad for purely selfish reasons.... i want my friend back. i miss him and the idiocy we had... motherfucker rarely even calls me these days and those conversations are strained between his threatening to kll himself and bad asian jokes. ahhhhh
i am going to the beach today with angela and greg. quite looking forward to that as we will be hiking a lovely 4 mile trail that has sea turtles lurking about and sunning themselves EEEEEEE smiley shelled creatures :)
Friday, May 8, 2009
with delicate precision
creating curves from stiff straight edges
prompting you to ponder
how the paper could possibly be untorn?
and then you'd realise
you're holding a whale
yet i choose not to crease the paper
but to decorate it with memory
how a dark shape surfaced
huge and alive and directly under the boat
a warm-blooded secret amidst the waves' shadows
gentle despite the demanding deep
the whale scended so close to our stern
it plunged immediately to avoid collision
no dramatic plume of moist breath rent the air
just a circle of water calmed by a careful flute
transfixed i reach over the rudder
and stroked the smooth surface
my fingers rippled a fluid window
through which you and i now peer
distracted by our own reflections
my little cannon camera is annoying in the fact it zooms when i take close up pictures.... so even though it's at a good arms length away from me... it doesnt reflect that in photos. ack.
as you can tell, that's bailey and i being very myspace and taking bedtime cosey pictures of how happy we are. i am fairly certain he would take them if he had thumbs.
i'm such a doteing human... that also happens to wear sugarskull loungey clothes :p
Thursday, May 7, 2009
helping animals and getting cool steampunk jewelry? 2 for 2... i gave them $2 as i felt a bit cheap haha. it's for a good cause :)
this is what it looks like!
please ignore the fact that i am NOT wearing a brasierre lol and my stupid faces. forever will i contort my face into awkward photo positions.
that's a big fat lie, i'm sure i will, but i promise i will do my best.
the other day i went out for cinco de mayo... and being american and therefore completely ignorant, i had no clue what this holiday "drinking holiday" was all about. i just assumed it was an excuse for peole to go out and get shit faced. i mean, it is after all a mexican holiday primarily, and although there are a great deal of mexican immagrants living over here i didn't see the point in such due celebration. other than the basic consumption of tequila.
thankfully i was set straight though. i ended up going to a club called 15 south, in the srq, with a few people who frequent the gym i work out at. i wouldn't, by any means, call these people friends, and they are poor acquantences at best, but the prospect of a night where a) there will be free flowing tequila and b) i don't have to drive so i can enbibe said tequila, seemed to be a good idea.
as previously stated in this shoddy excuse for a blog, i never ever go out anymore. it was time to bust out the dancing shoes.
after having god knows how many drinks i get horranged by two dudes, which i'm not feeling... as i try to keep as low key as possible. i hate people looking at me, i dont like people hitting on... i'm werid that way, i don't find it flattering in the least. being seen as a peice of 'hot' meat makes my stomach churn. so i brush them off and go find sanctuary next to a lovely gay couple. they'll protect me as long as i give them my next free drink they say, and i agree.
it's here where i found out that cinco de mayo is all about taking pride in the mexican heritage!!! so while ultimately it should be a day to reflect and celebrate a culture, we're out drinking. yeahhh, it makes perfect sence. just another way in which we;ve lost ourselves.
anyway, i did have a good time for what it was worth. i got home entirely wayheyyyyysted, and decided this would be a good idea:
my poor dog. earlier that day i;d found what used to be my hat, and well... in my tequila haze at 3.30am, it seemed like an opportune time to play drink time dress up. i dont know if you can tell, but he has on a pair of my moms underwear as well HAHAHAHA.
all i can say is, this poor creature has far more patience than any boyfriend ever could. bless his cold wet doggy nose
with that being said, i often wonder what bailey would look like if he was human...