..>> helloooo loverrrrr <<..

i was driving about today and saw a gorgeous restored greeeeeeeen cheiftan (it's a car... a pontiac to be exact), so i decided to have a nosey on ebay motors to see what people are selling and came across this beaut!!!
http://cgi.ebay.com/ebaymotors/Packard-Custom-Eight-Henney-1948-Packard-Custom-Eight-Henney-Hearse_W0QQitemZ230344356630QQcmdZViewItemQQptZUS_Cars_Trucks?hash=item35a197f316&_trksid=p4506.c0.m245&_trkparms=72%3A317%7C65%3A12%7C39%3A1%7C240%3A1318

i so wish i let jesse get me the 1951 pontiac hearse i've dreamt about for so long when he did his car club. ack! ACK I SAY

today i have an icky feeling tummy :( i dunno if it's from the mehicano i ate last night or what, but it aches and flips and is just... weird feeling.
also, i had horrid dreams last night! they were rape and hatred and all things bad.

the first one i vaguely remember walking outside by a building, when a large overbearing man grabbed my arms and forced me behind it. i was pinned and scared... i dream so lucidly i can remember his breath on my shoulders and the hairs on the back of my neck standing up. i always have this theory that, if you go along with something and pretend you want it, they'll lose interest or won't be so hard (from personal experience it's worked) anyway, i started to act like this whole charade turned me on, with just enough time to reach into my pocket for a pen, which i proceeding to jab into his chest. when that didn't work i moved it straight bang into the middle of his forehead. and kept on repeating this action until he fell on the floor. though still alive, i reached in and started pulling out his brain :/ this finaly killed him. i don't know if it was the whole rape thing, but i woke up extremey upset and just wanted to be held :(

i finally got to sleep again, but when i did i dreamt my friend's girlfriend was insanely jealous of me and was trying to kill me... my friend was there, but fucked up on pills and was just watching until i screamed at him that it's she's going to kill me (bby this point the girls brother had gotten involved and it was 2 to 1). he finally got up and picked them up by the throat, threw them and he continued to kill his girlfriend. pounding her in the head and then crushing her like an accordian until all that was left was a sack of skin and crushed bones.

i seriously don't know what's going on with me. i always have weird dreams, but never to this extent or degree of violence. they actually really bother me and i am incredibly hard to rattle. my best friend mandy thinks that these dreams are reflective of my helplessness in a certain situation... or percieved helplessness, and by admiting up to it and facing it, i will ease my nerves and apparently fucked up dreams haha. but by doing so, i know i'll have a great weight lifted off my shoulders, but i really don't think it's the right decision at this moment in time.
bleh

..>> quackers <<..

lol, i couldn't be called puddleduck and NOT do these silly photos!

i might not have the duck bill jemima has!!!

patito ^^

hahaha, i'm sure you can see what kind of useless shennanigans i got up to today :)

..>> bleugh <<..

i just found out that an aquantence of mine, who's the same age as me, has just started dating an 18 year old :/
and i really don't know why this is turning my stomach... maybe it's the thought that she could possibly be in to the whole 'mommy dearest' thing? someone call bettie davies...

..>> for the fuzzydangledimes <<..

what hell is the crack fox actually trying to say there? when he say's 'that's my video for the night times... for the fuzzydangledimes.' is he actually saying fuzzydangledimes? it's no use, i'll have to watch that bajo playing freak in the morning haha. jermone <3




anywhoooo... i'm exhausted. physicaly, mentaly, emotionaly... i'm just pooped. alot of my friends have been going thru stuff and i;ve used immence amounts of energy being there for them. i dont mind, not at all... but it's left me so drained and incapable of dealing with my own emotions and such.
it's taking a tole on me physicaly as well. i've had this freaking relentless coldsore (i've only evr had 2 before and i was 16 lol), my body aches and i'got a laundry list of injuries.

• heel spurs
• repetative stress injury on my right knee
• ankle rolling

all of which cause me great discomfort. the heel spurs are the worst by far, as it feels like i have a sledgehammers pounding the bottoms of my feet whenever i'm awake and moving... or standing still. rubbish feet. please chop them off and pickle them in a jar for me!!
i've been told that i can never again use risers during my step classes, as it will cause more damage to my knee. bleh, that kinda sucks but i'd rather have a working knee. and apparently the only thing for my feets is rest and loads of it. i don't see that happening for a long period of time, but tonight i've sat on my fat ass and watched 5 hours of the mr darcy in all his glory :D yes kids, pride and prejudice has made a comeback lol.
i really can't help but love it *swoon*

as well as my new necklace, my mom happened to get me a new pair of jeans :D

appologies for the blur factor, but you get the point i'm trying to make by this whole mirror experiment... and that is THEY A RE HUUUUUUUGE FLARES haha. also that i have muchos junko in the trunco :p
i've been after a pair of ginourmous slouchy type flares for ages, and voila. i think my mom kinda felt bad for me, bless her heart. my mom rules all the schools!

..>> fly away little bird <<..

i've been eyeing up this necklace at macy's for weeks, and today my mom came home with it :D weeeeee, she got it for a mere $5, reduced from $65. yessssssss, the little bird makes me do a tiny happy dance haha

this would also be the reason i wear makeup HAHAHAH. gooooon. can you see the cute bird chillaxing over there? yes? *dance*

..>> finallllly <<..

my muhfuggin toilet is fixed. sigh of fucking relief that! having wondered why my water bills have been excrutiatingly high, i figured out my toilet had a slow leak ( my powers of deduction heard a hissssssing sound late one night... nancy drew i knowwww). so even though greg managed to come over yesterday, i being the complete plumbing dunce that i am, had procured the wrong sized... floaty mc thingy mabobber. seriosuly, aren't these home depot working people supposed to know the size already? they must know our every neeed, i demand it of them now! anywho, he came back over today et voila! worky toilet.
i know longer have to use my mothers bathroom, which in all honesty, was a right pain in the ass at night. being on of those nudey type sleepers i had to get dressed everytime i had to pee. proper cafuffle that was :/
i felt kinda bad that i hurried greg and angela out of my house :$, but i'll bake them goodies to make up for it :D
i don't know if you recall, but i was going to bake cookies for my next door neighbour lady?! well i didn't bake her cookies, but i did give her half of the ginourmus mom's day carrot cake, on my nice white cake platter... which i have yet to receive back. i have seen her a few times since then and i'm really at a loss as to which point in time it's proper to ask for it back? i think this matter could use some decorum, as i hope she didn't think i was giving her the platter as a present :/ i'll have coco go over and steal it back for me maybe hehe.

in other news, it was the second or third annual portland zombie prom this past saturday! todd was supposed to go and give me all the juicy details, but yet again he bailed and i have to get pickings from other haggard creatures i try to avoid haha, but i must know what went down. i WAS supposed to go the very first time it occured, but my friend scott had bought my tickets out to pdx and got the dates wrong :( waaaahhhhhh. i also ended up getting the raging flugerms, so i guess it's just as well.

though i'm really kinda pissed i've been missing this as a) i love any excuse to get all scantily dressed WITH gore and full zombie prostetics and b) i have never been to any kind of formal dance in my life. you heard it folks, never ever :(
it's tragic i knowwww. i missed that part of my teenage years while living in england. so while all my friends here lament about shitty dresses and awkward dancing and gropeing, i'm left with years of angst and depression. joyous!

i WILL go next year thoough... i already have my zombie outfit planned out. yes i am either that awesome or that pathetic haha. the point is, i need to go to a dance already. i'm feeling very 'never been kissed' about it all O_o

so goregous!

..>> dust <<..

today was the one year anniversary of my brother's death :/ and i didn't even remember.
my dad called the house this morning, after arriving in manila for a memorial service, and i was asleep, dreaming (and drooling no doubt lol) when my mom burst in saying he was on the phone. i was rather incohearant and only really remember him saying he misses me and he loves me, and had i heard anything from the patent office haha. after i had hung up my mom said it was sandy' deathiverssary.
and honestly... i don't know how i feel about it. i am just... kinda blasay? apathetic? maybe numb? kinda wierd and bummed as well.

my brother was a great deal older than me, and i didn't really get to know him until we moved back to the states... at which point it was a bit strained at first... as sandy, having done a few very shitteous things to my father, soon became his boy again :/ and i got a bit jealous as being the baby, i was always the favorite. my sister (half sister) says that it's a jewish thing. the men in the family are always held in higher regard than the girls. which i refused to accept. i just think sandy put up with more of my dad's bullshit etc than either of us did. but i don't really like my sister either, so meh HAHA
so yes, it's all a bit odd, sitting here, thinking that he is infact dead. i still, to this day, believe his filippino wife had a hand in his death. changed his medication around etc, as she is a nurising student and sandy had monies BIG monies. that whole marriage was a farce!!! so fake, and utterly utterly premiditated by my father, so he could live vicariously through my brother. everyone says, sandy only married the woman to shut my dad up, and if he hadn't married her, he would still be alive today.

i wonder if my father has pangs of guilt about it? or if he is as oblivious about that, than he is about everything else?!

my mom and i went out for dinner at the shinese place again hehe, and i got THE EXACT SAME FORTUNE as i did last time. weird hey?
i think my animals feel something is going on today, as bailey hasn't eaten and has been extremely clingy and sophie, my kitty, has been sleeping ontop of my dad's dresser all day... yowling ocassionally. animals are soooo intune to feelings. it's amazing.
ah so much better than bipeds :D well, most bipeds i should say... there are a few that make the grade ;)

for the giggle times