..>> h8red <<..

today the california supreme court decided to uphold prop 8, outlawing gay marriage in california. this really makes me sad. i thought we ( as a nation) were more forward thinking than this, and i'm disappointed in the supreme court for being so closed minded. everyone.. gay, straight, bisexual, transgendered, EVERYONE should have equal rights to marry who they want to. i have many gay friends and all i want is for them to be happy, yet this is just another obstacle in their way. now they must continue fighting to be granted a basic civil right that many people take for granted. shame on you, california! we must all continue to fight the h8! when you see places like iowa in favor of gay marriage... i mean, california is supposed to be THE progressive state. this really just defies all logic to me and i am so saddened and disappointed :(

..>> lollerskates <<..

this is charlotte jenkins... charlotte jenkins bullied me for a year and a half before i moved back into the private school system. charlotte jenkins used to call me the ugliest girl ever born. now, i don't mean to speak ill of my sex ( i lie... i do) but charlotte jenkins has always ALWAYS looked like this, and i have to say... she's fucking munter! there, i said it! the only reason she was even remotely popular, and even then it was just with guys, was because she was the school bike. she had more baby batter in her than a freaking spermatorium! i find great solace that a) i've slept with less men in my whole life then she has done in one night (i know this to be fact) and b) she ended up with a bloke, who is supposedly so enamored and excited to be married to her, he had to get pissed on special brew at their reception.

charlotte jenkins certainly has the life she deserves *smug*

ps, the slightly askew cheapo tiara is aprticular classy touch... don't you agree? rofl

..>> fail <<..

nothing much to say today. my words feel stagnant anf my mind is void of everything apart from one thing that plays over and over again.
i'm having a very hard time trying to find a word to describe how i feel right now... it's not really numb, though a cold edge is forming... it's not really apathy, as i care far too much. it's weird. deflated maybe? even defeated... i think i might have fucked something up and i don't really know how to rectify or mend it, but on the other hand i'm begining to think maybe it's not mine to mend. maybe none of my words can heal this particular hero's wounds... only his and his alone will write the story he chooses to belong to... but i do not wear this silence well. i'm starting to wear it very ill indeed, and i only have myself to blame. i alone chose to be the coy and cryptic gem on this particular, lustrous necklace.

this entire situation makes me feel that i am wide awake and dreaming at the same time.

..>> bit of a perv <<..

i sexually harass samwise when we talk.... you'd be able to tell if these pictures actually showed up in correct size :/

she acts like she doesn't like it, but she'm pervy too HAHAHAH

she'm

he'm

we'm

trashy'm

..>> beauty and the beast <<..

Beauty did not know why she had such a burndensome name. She had never felt beautiful and it only made it worse to have to say her name to new people and see the bemused expression in their eyes. Only the Beast did not get such a look in his eyes when Beauty’s father introduced them and then left his daughter in the castle to pay off his debt.When Beauty’s father got sick she asked the Beast if she could leave the castle to see him. The Beast drove her home on the back of his motorcyle and left her at the door with a trunk full of old, leatherbound books and a golden music box with a singing nightingale on top to keep her company. Then he rode back to his castle because as sad as the Beast was he cared more about Beauty’s peace of mind than about his desire to have her at his side every day . Although he missed Beauty and wanted to crawl into bed, or ride his motorcycle too fast or do anything to forget what he had to do, the Beast sat down and got to work on the novel he had kept in a box for twenty years because before she left him Beauty asked that he finished it for when she returned. While the Beast wrote his book, Beauty sat at her father’s side and comforted him while parts of his body were slowly removed one by one. It felt to Beauty as if parts of herself were also being removed. She never let her father see her cry. Late at night when he had finally fallen into a dazed sleep, Beauty and the Beast talked through the golden mirror. They shared what had happened to them during the day. Then Beauty would take off her dress and stand naked in the mirror so the Beast could see her shining body. They touched themselves as they stared into each other’s eyes. Then, spent, they lay down in their separate rooms and the Beast sang Beauty lullabies in his rich, strange voice until she fell asleep. When Beauty’s father finally died the Beast arrived at Beauty’s door with twelve dark red and enchanted roses from his garden. Beauty brought the Beast inside and they lay together on Beauty’s bed and Beauty wept and the roses sang an old Beatles song to her. Then Beauty and the Beast took Beauty’s father’s ashes, got onto the Beast’s motorcycle, drove up P.C.H. and scattered the ashes into the sea along the coast. The waves rose up and took the remains of Beauty’s father far away. Then Beauty and the Beast made love in a yurt by the sea. The next morning they swam in the ocean, ate fresh strawberries and got back on the motorcycle with the empty urn. They arrived back at the Beast’s castle and got in bed. The Beast read his finished story to Beauty and all the little characters came out of the book and performed on the golden stage. After the story was over Beauty thanked all the characters and then she took the Beast’s beautiful face in her hands and kissed his mouth and thanked him for finishing the tale. There were tears in her eyes and the Beast called her sweet pea and kissed them away. The Beast did not ever change into a prince. He was already a prince with a heart like a golden musicbox inside his broad chest. And Beauty? When she looked into the golden mirror she no longer saw her dying father, or even the Beast. She saw herself the way the Beast had always seen her. And she was no longer afraid of her name.

..>> hmmm <<..

i do think horoscopes are a load of tosh, but this is a bit uncanny.

Leo: There are a few things you must get out of your system before you can start again

need i say more?!

..>> helloooo loverrrrr <<..

i was driving about today and saw a gorgeous restored greeeeeeeen cheiftan (it's a car... a pontiac to be exact), so i decided to have a nosey on ebay motors to see what people are selling and came across this beaut!!!
http://cgi.ebay.com/ebaymotors/Packard-Custom-Eight-Henney-1948-Packard-Custom-Eight-Henney-Hearse_W0QQitemZ230344356630QQcmdZViewItemQQptZUS_Cars_Trucks?hash=item35a197f316&_trksid=p4506.c0.m245&_trkparms=72%3A317%7C65%3A12%7C39%3A1%7C240%3A1318

i so wish i let jesse get me the 1951 pontiac hearse i've dreamt about for so long when he did his car club. ack! ACK I SAY

today i have an icky feeling tummy :( i dunno if it's from the mehicano i ate last night or what, but it aches and flips and is just... weird feeling.
also, i had horrid dreams last night! they were rape and hatred and all things bad.

the first one i vaguely remember walking outside by a building, when a large overbearing man grabbed my arms and forced me behind it. i was pinned and scared... i dream so lucidly i can remember his breath on my shoulders and the hairs on the back of my neck standing up. i always have this theory that, if you go along with something and pretend you want it, they'll lose interest or won't be so hard (from personal experience it's worked) anyway, i started to act like this whole charade turned me on, with just enough time to reach into my pocket for a pen, which i proceeding to jab into his chest. when that didn't work i moved it straight bang into the middle of his forehead. and kept on repeating this action until he fell on the floor. though still alive, i reached in and started pulling out his brain :/ this finaly killed him. i don't know if it was the whole rape thing, but i woke up extremey upset and just wanted to be held :(

i finally got to sleep again, but when i did i dreamt my friend's girlfriend was insanely jealous of me and was trying to kill me... my friend was there, but fucked up on pills and was just watching until i screamed at him that it's she's going to kill me (bby this point the girls brother had gotten involved and it was 2 to 1). he finally got up and picked them up by the throat, threw them and he continued to kill his girlfriend. pounding her in the head and then crushing her like an accordian until all that was left was a sack of skin and crushed bones.

i seriously don't know what's going on with me. i always have weird dreams, but never to this extent or degree of violence. they actually really bother me and i am incredibly hard to rattle. my best friend mandy thinks that these dreams are reflective of my helplessness in a certain situation... or percieved helplessness, and by admiting up to it and facing it, i will ease my nerves and apparently fucked up dreams haha. but by doing so, i know i'll have a great weight lifted off my shoulders, but i really don't think it's the right decision at this moment in time.
bleh

..>> quackers <<..

lol, i couldn't be called puddleduck and NOT do these silly photos!

i might not have the duck bill jemima has!!!

patito ^^

hahaha, i'm sure you can see what kind of useless shennanigans i got up to today :)

..>> bleugh <<..

i just found out that an aquantence of mine, who's the same age as me, has just started dating an 18 year old :/
and i really don't know why this is turning my stomach... maybe it's the thought that she could possibly be in to the whole 'mommy dearest' thing? someone call bettie davies...

..>> for the fuzzydangledimes <<..

what hell is the crack fox actually trying to say there? when he say's 'that's my video for the night times... for the fuzzydangledimes.' is he actually saying fuzzydangledimes? it's no use, i'll have to watch that bajo playing freak in the morning haha. jermone <3




anywhoooo... i'm exhausted. physicaly, mentaly, emotionaly... i'm just pooped. alot of my friends have been going thru stuff and i;ve used immence amounts of energy being there for them. i dont mind, not at all... but it's left me so drained and incapable of dealing with my own emotions and such.
it's taking a tole on me physicaly as well. i've had this freaking relentless coldsore (i've only evr had 2 before and i was 16 lol), my body aches and i'got a laundry list of injuries.

• heel spurs
• repetative stress injury on my right knee
• ankle rolling

all of which cause me great discomfort. the heel spurs are the worst by far, as it feels like i have a sledgehammers pounding the bottoms of my feet whenever i'm awake and moving... or standing still. rubbish feet. please chop them off and pickle them in a jar for me!!
i've been told that i can never again use risers during my step classes, as it will cause more damage to my knee. bleh, that kinda sucks but i'd rather have a working knee. and apparently the only thing for my feets is rest and loads of it. i don't see that happening for a long period of time, but tonight i've sat on my fat ass and watched 5 hours of the mr darcy in all his glory :D yes kids, pride and prejudice has made a comeback lol.
i really can't help but love it *swoon*

as well as my new necklace, my mom happened to get me a new pair of jeans :D

appologies for the blur factor, but you get the point i'm trying to make by this whole mirror experiment... and that is THEY A RE HUUUUUUUGE FLARES haha. also that i have muchos junko in the trunco :p
i've been after a pair of ginourmous slouchy type flares for ages, and voila. i think my mom kinda felt bad for me, bless her heart. my mom rules all the schools!

..>> fly away little bird <<..

i've been eyeing up this necklace at macy's for weeks, and today my mom came home with it :D weeeeee, she got it for a mere $5, reduced from $65. yessssssss, the little bird makes me do a tiny happy dance haha

this would also be the reason i wear makeup HAHAHAH. gooooon. can you see the cute bird chillaxing over there? yes? *dance*

..>> finallllly <<..

my muhfuggin toilet is fixed. sigh of fucking relief that! having wondered why my water bills have been excrutiatingly high, i figured out my toilet had a slow leak ( my powers of deduction heard a hissssssing sound late one night... nancy drew i knowwww). so even though greg managed to come over yesterday, i being the complete plumbing dunce that i am, had procured the wrong sized... floaty mc thingy mabobber. seriosuly, aren't these home depot working people supposed to know the size already? they must know our every neeed, i demand it of them now! anywho, he came back over today et voila! worky toilet.
i know longer have to use my mothers bathroom, which in all honesty, was a right pain in the ass at night. being on of those nudey type sleepers i had to get dressed everytime i had to pee. proper cafuffle that was :/
i felt kinda bad that i hurried greg and angela out of my house :$, but i'll bake them goodies to make up for it :D
i don't know if you recall, but i was going to bake cookies for my next door neighbour lady?! well i didn't bake her cookies, but i did give her half of the ginourmus mom's day carrot cake, on my nice white cake platter... which i have yet to receive back. i have seen her a few times since then and i'm really at a loss as to which point in time it's proper to ask for it back? i think this matter could use some decorum, as i hope she didn't think i was giving her the platter as a present :/ i'll have coco go over and steal it back for me maybe hehe.

in other news, it was the second or third annual portland zombie prom this past saturday! todd was supposed to go and give me all the juicy details, but yet again he bailed and i have to get pickings from other haggard creatures i try to avoid haha, but i must know what went down. i WAS supposed to go the very first time it occured, but my friend scott had bought my tickets out to pdx and got the dates wrong :( waaaahhhhhh. i also ended up getting the raging flugerms, so i guess it's just as well.

though i'm really kinda pissed i've been missing this as a) i love any excuse to get all scantily dressed WITH gore and full zombie prostetics and b) i have never been to any kind of formal dance in my life. you heard it folks, never ever :(
it's tragic i knowwww. i missed that part of my teenage years while living in england. so while all my friends here lament about shitty dresses and awkward dancing and gropeing, i'm left with years of angst and depression. joyous!

i WILL go next year thoough... i already have my zombie outfit planned out. yes i am either that awesome or that pathetic haha. the point is, i need to go to a dance already. i'm feeling very 'never been kissed' about it all O_o

so goregous!

..>> dust <<..

today was the one year anniversary of my brother's death :/ and i didn't even remember.
my dad called the house this morning, after arriving in manila for a memorial service, and i was asleep, dreaming (and drooling no doubt lol) when my mom burst in saying he was on the phone. i was rather incohearant and only really remember him saying he misses me and he loves me, and had i heard anything from the patent office haha. after i had hung up my mom said it was sandy' deathiverssary.
and honestly... i don't know how i feel about it. i am just... kinda blasay? apathetic? maybe numb? kinda wierd and bummed as well.

my brother was a great deal older than me, and i didn't really get to know him until we moved back to the states... at which point it was a bit strained at first... as sandy, having done a few very shitteous things to my father, soon became his boy again :/ and i got a bit jealous as being the baby, i was always the favorite. my sister (half sister) says that it's a jewish thing. the men in the family are always held in higher regard than the girls. which i refused to accept. i just think sandy put up with more of my dad's bullshit etc than either of us did. but i don't really like my sister either, so meh HAHA
so yes, it's all a bit odd, sitting here, thinking that he is infact dead. i still, to this day, believe his filippino wife had a hand in his death. changed his medication around etc, as she is a nurising student and sandy had monies BIG monies. that whole marriage was a farce!!! so fake, and utterly utterly premiditated by my father, so he could live vicariously through my brother. everyone says, sandy only married the woman to shut my dad up, and if he hadn't married her, he would still be alive today.

i wonder if my father has pangs of guilt about it? or if he is as oblivious about that, than he is about everything else?!

my mom and i went out for dinner at the shinese place again hehe, and i got THE EXACT SAME FORTUNE as i did last time. weird hey?
i think my animals feel something is going on today, as bailey hasn't eaten and has been extremely clingy and sophie, my kitty, has been sleeping ontop of my dad's dresser all day... yowling ocassionally. animals are soooo intune to feelings. it's amazing.
ah so much better than bipeds :D well, most bipeds i should say... there are a few that make the grade ;)

for the giggle times

..>> blue and yellow <<..

i am listening the used's self titeled album, hence the silly blog title lol. when mack (not mike) and i broke up listened to this album obsessively... i like it much more now i don't identify with all the songs haha... it must be a slow day waking up, as it took me 3 minutes to think of the word 'identify' YIKES :/ hehe
i'd like tot ake a second to point out that my 3 serious boyfriends all had 4 letter names, and all started with 'M'. weird huh? mark, mack, mike. LOL fuck the emmmmms. apart from mikee :)

the other night i took my mommy out for chinese food, it was very good. a new place to us and cheap as chips! i crumbled my fortune cookie and this is what my fortune read: "love is a warm fire to keep the soul warm" silly chinese with their double usage of the word 'warm' lol, but can i just say, lateyl i have been getting increasingly warmer... i like it :) and day by day i think the fire grows. meeeeeep

managed to get some batteries in the camera so i could uplaod a few pictures. i managed to get this one just before the batteries died on friday, when i went to the beach. yet again :D

married to the ocean blue :)

i like strawberry flavoured things. nomz (don't ask why it is a weird size picture :/)

i dyed my roots FINALLY :D

i don't know what's going on with photobucket and their resizing things lately. stupid internety things haha. so now i have fresh black roots. phew. i hate the fact i have to really dye my hair every god damn week for it to be decent. not only is it a major amount of upkeep (otherwise my blonde roots growing in makes me look bald), it's getting super bad for my hair. having bleached it or dyed it almost every week since the age of 14, i am surprised it hasn't just all fallen out :/
it is getting thin though, which is most distressing. i am wondering if i should try some rogaine for women HAHAHA, see if that won't boost it out a bit :p short of going blonde, ickky, i dunno what to do. meh

maybe i should eat alot of black foods and hope it translates thru my hairs. yessss?

..>> i may be a bit wrong <<..

the other day my lovely friend theo and i had gotten onto the subject of '2 girls 1 cup'... naturally it worked into being turned into body art... and ofcourse, i had to take it one step further and see if such a thing did infact exsist.

please don't judge me HAHAHAHA

also... i think it needs to be said, this guy is more likely than, in need of some personal grooming in his nether regions. but if he likes his girl to drop it like it's hot on his chest, i don't really think he's that bothered. actually, if she is willing to do that, i don't think a hairy nutsack in her mouth would bother her either. just sayin'

rofl

..>> puddles of sweets <<..

over the past couple days i have been trying to hunt down goodies to send to maria and sam. well i might as well address you two directly as i am fairly certain you are the ones that read this dribble, and the only ones i write it for anyway HAHA

managed to get a few things, but not everything i had hoped. one item in particular is becoming the bane of my exsistace! baaaahhhhhh, and it should really be the simplest thing to get around here... well, semi easy anyway. i had them growing up and i loved them.

you'll never know :D haha

its exciting as i love sending and recieving things! the last person i sent stuff to was my friend robbie...

upon recieving the gifts he proceeded to eat loads haha! anyway, when my skype broke and he wanted to talk, i suggest he put a couple quid on it so he could call my house... which he refused to do. honestly, i was a bit hurt about that as i spent $120 i didnt have on shit for him and put it on my credit card. ehhh, i'm a bit too nice sometimes :( damn advantage taking peoples.

besides, he smells so nyah HAHA. but the important thing is, i am excited on gathering lvoely second hand goodies for my ladies weeeeee. and amerocan foody goodness. we will make you fat, it's what we does best lol

..>> cocopuffs <<..

i'm watching kat williams' 'pimp chronicles' right now hahahaha. i lvoe him so much. his humour is very americanized, but i find him hilarious! does anyone know how to post a video on here? there is a poem i want to share via youtub, but it wont copy and paste the link thing. hmmmm

also i just wrote a long entry but when i uploaded this cute picture, most of it was deleted. and i am so tired now to retype it all. i will have to do so in the morning.

for now, i shall continue with my kat williams and his 'po' little tink tink' skit

tinktinktinktinktink

the last motherfucking place you wanna be, is behind the mother fucker with no feets! hahaha

hope you all have pleasant snuggley nighttimes MWAH xxx

..>> sly creature <<..

a friend of my ex (mike) emailed me today. and i don't really know why he thought the fact that mike's new girlfriend was moving in with him, would be of any interest to me. i don't know why, after over 2 years of seperation he thought i would still give a damn. i don't know why this guy would even think to email me, as we never talk anymore anyway :/
i'm sitting here wondering if after all this time, mike still needs to think i give a shit... was this some kind of emotional warfare he was trying to pull thru a third party?

and truthfully, the only thing i am really bothered about are the things i left in our old apartment when i went. had i known i wouldn't be returning, i would have packed them up and shipped them out before i goton the plane that christmas eve. and i have no clue where he is now. i don't care, but it would be nice to have my things back.

• my 2 audrey kawasaki giclee prints
• my mark ryden 'blood' special edition book and signed numbered prints
• my jeff soto painting, and all my other lowbrow goodies
• books by brown, ryden, giger et al
• and most importantly, things of my grandmothers i took with me to make our house a home. kitchen tools, hand made quilts, frames.

my heart breaks just thinking about the sentimental things that are lying around there in a box, or worse... thrown out or given to goodwill without a second thought. all my art prints and such are replaceable. they are after all, just peices of paper. but my mother gave me my grandmothers belongings. she took good care of them, as did i. and feel like such a failture that i left them there in the hands of that unappreciative idiot. i should have known better. i should have known that not everyone see's things with such sentimentality and preciusness as i.

i wish more than anything i could get them back :(
it wouldn't make me feel like less of a failure in relationships, but it would be comforting to know i still have those peices of my grandmother near by. watching me. guarding me. keeping me safe until i finally find someone to share them with, and who would apprciate them like i do.
and as for mike's new girlfriend, sucks to be her. he's going bald AND has no idea how to pronounce 'h'eure deuvres'. SO HA lol

why can't the ghosts of our past just stay buried?!

..>> moominland <<..

i can't tell you how much i feel like snorkmaiden right now. seriously, i feel like a damn parade balloon with all the food i ate hahaha. it was mother's day here, and since i have no money i thought it would be a good idea to cook for my mama.
i started planning about a week ago. originally i was gogint o make a lovely indian feast, as it's hard to get good indian food here, if any. at 7.30 this morning she tells me she has a hankering for a burger, so off i go to market. i ended up making her turkey burglars with blue cheese, balsamic/thyme roasted baby bella mushrooms and caramalized onions, homemeade coleslaw and chilli spiced sweet potatoe fries. carrot cake to boot (which i am waiting for sma to make as well since i mailed her the recipe :D )
it took allllllllll day, as i made everything, including the freakin breadcrumbs from scracth. it was delicious though and we made right piglettes out of ourselves haha. seeeee?!

moms totaly brutal burger of doooom. it looks sloppy, cuz it is sloppy haha

mi madre on her second, yes second peice of carrot cake!!! looking well pleased too ha

other things of interest :

• my best friend called me today. we talked for an hour, and decided i should knit her a scarf for her up coming birthday.
• angela gave me her old computer desk WOOO and it's black. so it goes with my gothic boudoir thing i have going.
• i have conflicted feelings about a certain situation, that makes my tummy flip but is not logical in the least. :/ confusing

..>> reactions <<..

a little diddy :

i am lacing up my eyes,

so that i cannot see you.

i am buttoning my mind,

so that you cannot enter.

i am zipping up my heart,

so that you cannot touch it.

but what i want

what i need

is for you to undo me.

i was supposed to go to the beach yesterday, and unfortunately 10 minutes before schedueled departure, i get a phone call that angela has to go to fort myers to pick up some mounted wall/photo thing greg had gotten her for mothers day. i won't lie, it bummed me out :( i do however, end up tagging along for that. since it's just the two of us (greg went down to the junkyard to procure parts for his 'stang) it was nice and chill. the place where she had to pick up her present, had MILLIONS of leopard print goodies. i was in excitement overdrive. i wish leopard print wasn't so freakin popular now though. damn the masses to hades!!!!!

from there we just mooched around a few stores angela wanted to go into. i, being of NO money, was subjected to window shopping. which was crucial as i just wanted to buy loads of stuff. ahhh, the torture. ghetto acid wash booty shorts are readily available, in neon colors no less, and it was just heartbreaking i had to let them go. my tacky ass was NOt impressed haha.

then we ended up going to this chinese resteraunt, which was filled to the brim with migrant mexican workers. seriously, when we walked in there was a hush and we both looked at each other with a creepy feeling. the food was shitteous and i resent having wasted the moola, only to get an MSG endused headache, which is still dull in my head.

it was nice to actually talk with her though, one on one, as usually one of her 4 kids is with us. it doesn't make for good conversation. today i learned her brother eric, who has been incarcerated most of his life, tried to kill her in a rage a few years back. that he is a perpetual girlfriend beater and prefers to be on crack/heroin than try to live clean. i geuss he has a sence of entitlement. he gets out, AGAIN, xmas day this year. 10 to 1 he'll be back in by new years haha

i'll never understand people :/

anyway, for your enjoyment a few stupid and inconsiquential photos!!!

i could use this for my re-enactments of radio raheeeeeed. a portable version of 'fight the power' will also be needed. thankyouplease

these flowers were so gorgeous!!! and the smell danced and lingered in my nose like a cacophny of faerie magic. nomz

took this special for samsam :)

..>> with the quickness <<..

just quickly...i talked to my good friend emma today.
last night, at a random pub in penzance she met a random boy.
she took the random boy home with her and fucked him.
this morning she asked the random boy to move in to her little cottage, in penzance, where she only works part.
ofcourse the random boy agreed.
emma is 28. the random boy is an unemplyed 24 year old, with blue eyes and a torkshire accent.
that's really all the random information she could give me about the random boy.
she didn't even remember his name at first, as i don't remember it now.
i can't even get my head around that.

..>> rabbit whispers <<..

i wacthed 'happy feet' last night. so cute, ahhh i love how commited animals can be to each other, while we, supposedly the most intelligent species lie, cheat and are totally apathetic towards most of the relationships we cultivate. true companionship is truely a lost art! disheartening. :(

so with that being stated, i'm going to segway to my friend todd. todd is... well he's awesome! i love the man, and being one of my closest male friends, it's hard for me to sit by and watch him be in the situation that he's in. though it is entirely of his own making. i'll start from the begining.

at 29, todd thought it would be a good idea too hook up with a 16 year old :/ and although as we get older, that difference is not so consequential, we all know that at that age, it is not a good idea. forget the whole statutory rape deal, it's more the maturity level and what one has in common i'm thinking. whitney, or the wrr as we call her, was a bit mature for her age... but being a virgin when they got together, it was inevitable (and i had mentioned it to him) that she would ultimately leave him to play the feild of dicks! fast forward a year and a half later and where are we?
yes you geussed... she's gone and todd is destroyed. this happened in october and the man is still a total and utter wreck about the whole thing, and it really is just getting to the point where i can't put up with it any longer. not because i don't care, as i do, but he has no inclination to help himself. he got fired from his job and openly admits he doesn't want to work. he has mental health appointments and hits shrooms the night before and doesn't make it... and all he does it complain. the man is being a total pussy. a serious big fat whore of a cunt! and i am at a loss in what to do,

i can only sit there and watch someone struggle in the murkyness for so long, when everyone is trying to help the dude out.
this is todd by the way:

so i've been dealing with his decline. he WAS supposed to come visit me a couple months back. stay with his folks on the other coast for a week, then he and i were going to hit it up jewstar style, but the douche bailed out and we only hung out for a day. coulda killed him :/ grrrrr to him i say! and really i am mad for purely selfish reasons.... i want my friend back. i miss him and the idiocy we had... motherfucker rarely even calls me these days and those conversations are strained between his threatening to kll himself and bad asian jokes. ahhhhh

i am going to the beach today with angela and greg. quite looking forward to that as we will be hiking a lovely 4 mile trail that has sea turtles lurking about and sunning themselves EEEEEEE smiley shelled creatures :)

..>> origami whale <<..

i could fold this paper
with delicate precision
creating curves from stiff straight edges
prompting you to ponder
how the paper could possibly be untorn?
and then you'd realise
you're holding a whale

yet i choose not to crease the paper
but to decorate it with memory

how a dark shape surfaced
huge and alive and directly under the boat
a warm-blooded secret amidst the waves' shadows
gentle despite the demanding deep

the whale scended so close to our stern
it plunged immediately to avoid collision
no dramatic plume of moist breath rent the air
just a circle of water calmed by a careful flute
transfixed i reach over the rudder
and stroked the smooth surface
my fingers rippled a fluid window
through which you and i now peer
distracted by our own reflections

..>> wasteland <<..

i figured if i blog first thing, or as soon as think of a particular good bloggy subject, i'd be more inclined to conintue blogging.
bloggityblogbloglblobgblog

i'm still very unsatisfied with my living space. over the past couple months i've taken it upon myself to (try to atleast) transform my house. i stripped the outside of it's shitty/chippy whitish grey paintjob and repainted it in a lovely yellowy with white trim... which goes particularly well with the lavender flowers i have going on. but with that being said, the man i end up with needs to be down with painting skillz, as i am, in no way shape or form going thru that again haha.

so now, with thr outside looking halfway decent i'm trying to battle the innards. re-doing the dinning room and spare living are was the first port of call, and although it looks heaps better, i am still more than disatisfied with it :/ this house is very open plan, but lends itself to nothing. i don't know if the unwelcoming vibes i get from it or the fact my mother and i have comepletey contrasting personal tastes and a limited budget, but it seems no matter how hard i try it looks like shit. time to call the wahmbulance.

so i've given up on the immediate living area and am moving on to my bedroom and my bathroom... HOWEVER haha, i have way too much stuff for my bedroom to be tranquil. for all intents and purposes, it's practically like trying to stuff 5lbs of sugar into a 1lb bag. it's just no kosher... and with mike STILL having all my bestest stuff at his, wherever that might be, i refuse to get rid of anything else.

this daunts me :( but i feel as part of my new plan, i need a sanctuary, not chaos.

i would post before and after pictures, but the state both of them are in now is so uncool that i think i'll save myself the embaressment and just accept the compliments for an awesome job done when it's all completed lol.

also, i am becoming increasingly lonely. it's palpable and i hate that i feel like this. sometimes i wish i wasn't so picky and particular about men, sometimes i wish i could be casual and fleeting about it all, but alas... it's not how i'm wired.

"i'm not the kind of cat you can just pick up and throw into your lap"- ani difranco

once again, the poor quadraped i call bailey gets stuck with being my part time boyfriend. observe!!

my little cannon camera is annoying in the fact it zooms when i take close up pictures.... so even though it's at a good arms length away from me... it doesnt reflect that in photos. ack.
as you can tell, that's bailey and i being very myspace and taking bedtime cosey pictures of how happy we are. i am fairly certain he would take them if he had thumbs.
i'm such a doteing human... that also happens to wear sugarskull loungey clothes :p

..>> filligree <<..

bargain find of the day? a very pretty filigree-esque butterfly necklace... for $1 from the suncoast humane society thrift shop :D


helping animals and getting cool steampunk jewelry? 2 for 2... i gave them $2 as i felt a bit cheap haha. it's for a good cause :)


this is what it looks like!
please ignore the fact that i am NOT wearing a brasierre lol and my stupid faces. forever will i contort my face into awkward photo positions.
for
ev
errrrrrrr

..>> the time has come, the walrus said <<..

no, i'm not talking about shoes, and ships and sealing wax.... i'm fairly certain there will be no cabbages or kings, but hopefuly i will be talking and i won't become laxidazical about updating this blog again.


that's a big fat lie, i'm sure i will, but i promise i will do my best.





the other day i went out for cinco de mayo... and being american and therefore completely ignorant, i had no clue what this holiday "drinking holiday" was all about. i just assumed it was an excuse for peole to go out and get shit faced. i mean, it is after all a mexican holiday primarily, and although there are a great deal of mexican immagrants living over here i didn't see the point in such due celebration. other than the basic consumption of tequila.


thankfully i was set straight though. i ended up going to a club called 15 south, in the srq, with a few people who frequent the gym i work out at. i wouldn't, by any means, call these people friends, and they are poor acquantences at best, but the prospect of a night where a) there will be free flowing tequila and b) i don't have to drive so i can enbibe said tequila, seemed to be a good idea.


as previously stated in this shoddy excuse for a blog, i never ever go out anymore. it was time to bust out the dancing shoes.


after having god knows how many drinks i get horranged by two dudes, which i'm not feeling... as i try to keep as low key as possible. i hate people looking at me, i dont like people hitting on... i'm werid that way, i don't find it flattering in the least. being seen as a peice of 'hot' meat makes my stomach churn. so i brush them off and go find sanctuary next to a lovely gay couple. they'll protect me as long as i give them my next free drink they say, and i agree.


it's here where i found out that cinco de mayo is all about taking pride in the mexican heritage!!! so while ultimately it should be a day to reflect and celebrate a culture, we're out drinking. yeahhh, it makes perfect sence. just another way in which we;ve lost ourselves.


anyway, i did have a good time for what it was worth. i got home entirely wayheyyyyysted, and decided this would be a good idea:

my poor dog. earlier that day i;d found what used to be my hat, and well... in my tequila haze at 3.30am, it seemed like an opportune time to play drink time dress up. i dont know if you can tell, but he has on a pair of my moms underwear as well HAHAHAHA.

all i can say is, this poor creature has far more patience than any boyfriend ever could. bless his cold wet doggy nose

with that being said, i often wonder what bailey would look like if he was human...